here i am, here i stand.

1:08 pm

here i am, here i wait. listening to “creep.” seems appropriate. waiting has to be THE WORST. right now, i’m waiting for work. then, when i get home from work, i have to wait until around 9 to go to the gym. i could go before work or after work, but there’s a big problem with that. the people there. people can talk all day long about how they don’t judge anyone, but that is a big lie. we have a natural instinct to judge. besides that point. in my town, you are either preppy and redneck or “thugged out”. the gym my family goes to is full of cheerleaders who skip school to go to the gym, football players who do pre-practice workouts, or moms who need to learn their age. the gym has to be the most unwelcoming place on the planet for over-weight people, but it’s unbearable when the best gym in town is filled with people who don’t exactly need it as often and judge harshly when people who do need it show up. i’m not saying they don’t have the right to use gyms. i just wish people wouldn’t be so close-minded. yes, there are big people who go to the gym. look at where you are. come on, it’s there for that reason. okay, end of rant. starting to sound stupid.

12:44pm

here i am, here i think. i really don’t know how to explain how i’ve been lately. it’s been a little over a week that i have just been constantly crying. mainly, out of hurt for my friends. it’s been a tough week. but, then, there’s also the fact that i’m stuck at home, not going to school, and not having a job. when i see people’s posts on facebook, pictures of their dorm rooms, or even hear them talking about college, i get jealous and it upsets me. it really just gets all swirled into my insides and just tears me apart. part of me is envious because they are able to leave and get away from this terrible city, but the biggest part of me is envious because they get to go out and make their parents proud of them. a couple of days ago, i texted my mom and asked her if i was a good person, was she proud of me, and all those questions. before i could put my phone down, she called me and just started pouring out to me. my own mother, the woman i looked up to my whole life, was spilling about her looking up to me and wishing she could be like me. i couldn’t believe that’s how she felt. then, she said something that just broke me even more. she said, “i just don’t understand how you could be happily miserable.” then, she said, “i know you’re happy because you get your happiness from others being happy. even if that means that you get nothing in return, you’re still happy. and that has to be miserable to give everything your all and still not get one single thing out of it. it would piss me off. but you just keep going and keep doing. are you miserable?” i couldn’t answer her for at least 5 minutes and it was then that i realized that i really and truly am. and i guess part of that could come from my lonliness? i want to be wanted and need to be needed. i want to be someone that a person has to have. not so they can use me, of course, but just someone that gets excited and happy when they see me, tells me they love me, will sit in silence with me, and will stick with me through everything. i have found some very close friends through my short amount of years, but are they conditional? sometimes. are they able to be there all the time? not really. do they try? sometimes. do i blame them? heck no. but, in those moments when i truly feel miserable, i won’t talk to them about it because i don’t want to drag them down with me. i don’t want to complain to people, so i keep to myself. safe? probably not, but i’m just ready for it to be over. i’m ready to be happily happy. and i want someone to be happily happy with me. i’m ready to smile.

8:29

i received a piece of news yesterday that has really messed with me, but i’ll get to that in a minute. a few kids and myself joined a couple that were interested in trying out treasure hunts in our town. the way they work is: we believe the holy spirit sends us “assignments” all the time, we just have to listen. so, we sit in the subway at our local walmart and listen for about 10-20 minutes for our clues. it could be someone a child yells out such as “mom” or anything else like, “but i wanna go look at the toys.” and we write it down into these 5 categories: location, appearance, name, things to pray for, and miscellaneous. then, we go out and look around for any of our clues to find our treasure. we have been very successful.

well, one night, i wrote down “navy blue shirt” and i didn’t know who it was! not only did i pray with the walmart employees who wanted to, but there were shoppers with navy blue shirts, too. when i wrote it down, i looked up and saw a guy with his dad and the guy was wearing a navy blue muscle shirt. i became very bashful and shy and hoped that the couple in charge of us didn’t see him. when we were ready to go out and pray, they said, “are you going to go over there?” i told them, “i’ll just wait til i see them again.” i not only saw them once or twice, but five times. the fifth time, the couple said, “alright, that’s enough. go.” so, with the help of the rest of our group, we followed these people to their check out line. i was so nervous and couldn’t talk, so the woman from the couple approached them first. when we told them about my treasure list and showed them my list of things to pray for, the dad was astounded and we asked them if we could pray with them, let them finish checking out, and met them at the front of the store. the dad could not stop crying and we spent an hour to almost two hours with this son and father. they are now a big part in our hearts. they help out with the outreaches, they have come to our church services, we keep in contact with them. we love them so very much.

well, remember the son i told you about in the navy blue muscle shirt? i found out yesterday that he tried to end his life the other day. it saddens me when i think back to when i almost let them slip away at walmart for my own selfish reasons. i’m still working on processing this news. if you feel that someone or something is telling you to go talk to someone, just do it. you never know.

3:52 am

paranoia just kicked in MAJORLY. i have floodlights outside my front door and a security camera, as well. i leave the floodlights’ switch on at ALL times just incase someone tries to break-in, the security camera won’t have a hard time identifying them. the lights are motion sensitive, so whenever something is outside near my room, the lights come on. well, my bed is right next to my front door. sometimes, at night, when i walk out of my bathroom and towards my bed, the floodlight will be on. and as soon as i see the light, it turns back off (meaning it had been on for a little while). this creeps me out. especially when it sounds like there’s a car outside of my house. i hate living in a neighborhood with woods all around us and having histories of break-ins.

2:09 am

so, my dreams of leaving this town and making something of myself may be postponed. i always wanted to prove my graduating class wrong and be the one to move to another state and be successful, but that went down the drain when my uncle moved in with his then-girlfriend-now-fourth-wife. so, i settled on staying here and going to a local community college. this allowed me to stay with friends, build other friendships, change my career choice, and stay closer to my family. but was that really what i wanted?? no. but, i wouldn’t have changed it. now, since my originally planned roommate has completely backed out on me, i was faced with the option of living on my own. SO many problems with that. 1. i am absolutely terrified of being alone/ by myself. 2. i cannot afford it. i would be going to school full time, having to work two jobs to pay rent, utilities, pay for a car, gas, car maintenance, cake ingredients, and other stuff. 3. i would go totally insane. if i go to state, then i could build Hope Is Real. which would be absolutely awesome!! one of my main goals, actually. but then my mom asked me a question i have been asking myself for a while. “now that i finally have a job, my brother’s focus back on school (sort of), and building my cake clientele, should you really move away??” good. question. i know that only i can answer that, i’m just scared that i’ll fail. another one of my biggest fears. failing. which is why, sometimes, i don’t know when to give up. but, that’s the thing. i don’t give up. it’s not in my instinct. so, i know that if i don’t go to school right now, i will pick up and finish my degree. i can’t stand to fail and i never give up. maybe it’s not meant to happen right now?? only time will tell.

1:51am

to add on to that spill for the “perfect” video: we always strive to be perfect or normal, but what is that, really?? what is considered “perfect” or “normal” are all things made up. people have different perceptions, so no one really knows what is perfect or normal. what we need to realize is that we are already perfect. we are the perfect person that we, ourselves, could ever be. i am the perfect “amanda” that i could ever be. no one else can tell me if i am or am not perfect. i do believe that no one is perfect, but i do believe that i am the most “perfect” person i am meant to be.

that was a lot of perfects in one post, so just try to follow what i’m saying.

p.s.- labels suck.

1:34am

i cannot even begin to describe how much i cried when i watched p!nk’s video for “perfect.” yes, i’m well aware that there is another word that goes in front. it made me think of all the things that i had to deal with. no, i didn’t go through everything that the woman in the video did, but i was right there with her through most of it. right after i watched it, my granny complimented me on the hard work i’d done this week and how proud she was of me and that made me brake down even more. then she told me i needed to down-size my earlobes. moment. ruined. why can’t i be accepted no matter what i look like?? i always hear, “you were the perfect little baby,” and “you were the cutest little girl,” and “you did a good job on your cakes.” so, just to point out the obvious, those things were about when i was little and the things i make. nothing about what i look like or who i am today. the only time i hear things about the way i look is when the comments are negative. seriously. i’m not one of those girls who gets compliments and brush them off. i do get complimented on the kind person i am, so i do remember those things. but everyone needs to hear something positive about themselves every once in a while. there is a lady at my mom’s work and i love her to death and she loves me back but i have to dodge her or wear my clear lip rings and have my hair down for me to see her without her saying something. i felt so bad after she saw me with my lip rings for the first time because she seemed so disappointed. “why would you do that to your face??” i just recently had lunch with her a couple of weeks ago and she saw my ears for the first time. she asked me questions and stared at my ears the whole time. i wasn’t offended. i was more afraid that i was offending her. i will never forget the time when my mom came home a little over a year ago and she told me that the co-worker said, “ya know, i actually LOOKED at amanda today and she really is a beautiful girl.” i was flattered, but i was hurt at the same time. this lady had known me for YEARS. even before my lip rings, so even without them, she couldn’t see it. everyone is beautiful. there is something that you can find in EVERYONE that is beautiful. for those of you who don’t feel beautiful or perfect or good enough, please trust in me when i say our time will be soon when we can show everyone that we are all of those things. you just have to believe in yourself. just when you feel as though you want to give up, push harder. it will all be worth it in the end.

3:54 am

i hate when i remember the times i had with certain people who aren’t in my life anymore. i do believe that people are in the past for a reason and that there is a reason why they didn’t make it any further in my life, but i become very disappointed in that person. when i am friends with a person or am dating a person, i give them my all. yes, i know that some people will take that and hurt me, but they will never be able to say that they didn’t know “the real me.” most friends just kinda drift off and that’s fine, but i always end up missing them and it frustrates me. it’s because i tell myself that they would never be the person to just leave, but it never fails to happen. exes?? ha. well, they’re not in my life because neither one of them are at a stage in life where they are healthy for me. but back to my friends. i’m scared that i suffocate them and that’s why i kinda back off a lot of the times. i may not actually be suffocating, i don’t know. but if that is ever said, i can understand why. i have a really big fear of being alone. like, not a regular “scared” fear, but it’s something that is actually terrifying for me. i can’t even function when i’m in my room by myself at night, much less have the house to myself when my grandparents go out of town. i’ve gotten better about going into places by myself, but only if i absolutely HAVE to. in saying that, i am absolutely TERRIFIED of my future plans. i’m planning on moving about three hours away from my family and owning my own apartment. i had plans to move in with someone, but those plans didn’t work best for them. so, now that those plans are gone, i have to do this on my own and it’s very scary. i’ve always had my grandparents to financially fall back on and my parents to emotionally turn to, but when i make this move, they won’t be able to be there. i’m scared of failing. i gotta find ways to pay for school, the apartment, and my own car. i am very grateful to have the opportunity to be able to even think of achieving this, but now i have to find a way to pull this off and it will be the most challenging obstacle I’ve ever had to go through. and whataya know?? i have to do it on my own. prayers are accepted along with well wishes.